Becoming my future self | A letter about progress and change
Dear Lovely,
When I decided to reprioritize my to-do list, I had no idea
it would've been the beginning of many uncomfortable moments.
I thought the next few weeks would be like a non-stop flight to paradise. I'll take one week to create a video, one week to restart my social accounts, and one week to start and finish a website. That'll give me a total of three weeks, and then I'll be back!
I'm laughing as I type because, in hindsight, that timeline is ridiculously unrealistic.
For someone who has consistent experience in making videos, creating content for social media and those focused on designing and building websites, maybe it's not far off. But for me...an artist who has been out of the ‘game’ for a few years? Yes, I was fantasizing.
Even with the shift in timeline, I am still grateful for taking the time to do things I've only wished to do. And I have become more confident in my ability to tackle anything that comes my way.
I know that sounds like an umbrella of generic accomplishments, but there is one struggle that I want to point out.
Having Low Self-esteem.
In my Future Self 2019 entry, I wrote:
Appearance
I've learned how to use basic make-up and feel confident about my face.
Diet
I am eating healthy and aware of what I eat, but I don't limit myself.
On June 17th, 2020, my goals were still:
I no longer depend on outside validation to measure my self-worth. Instead, I appreciate it whatever and however.
I am not afraid of recording myself on videos shared.
These seem like different struggles, but they are part of having low self-esteem. I didn't accept my face and wanted to learn how to make it "better" with make-up. I relied on others to measure how I looked and if I was on the "right" path. I binge ate to numb my emotions of feeling like I didn't belong. And of course, without confidence, I was deathly afraid of recording myself and sharing those videos.
Making Progress.
Within the last four months, I focused on increasing my self-esteem and deliberately doing things that scared me or made me uncomfortable. I realized, in the past, I only wished for change, but I still let fear dictate my actions.
At first, I could only post on Patreon. The safest place I knew, surrounded by people who sincerely encouraged me. And as time went on, I started to gain more confidence. I posted my first YouTube video in three years, without make-up and in my regular everyday clothes, in August 2021. That alone is a milestone.
Now Changed.
Since then, I have become more natural in front of the camera, posting mainly on Patreon (for now.) I've accepted my 'ums' and mispronunciations. I have stopped eating to numb my emotions, and I no longer depend on outside validation for my self-worth. Just because I made a mistake or didn't meet my expectations does not mean I am not "good enough." It simply means that I now have a chance to try again or pivot.
And although this is only the beginning of tackling my lifelong struggles, I am proud of myself.
Like really darn proud.
There are so many other things I want to talk about, but this letter would have been massive. So I'll break them into small sections, and I can't wait to share them with you!
We'll chat again soon.
Sincerely,
Christine
P.S. I’ve linked my very first video back, below!
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